i never was one to have sudden emotional outbursts.although sometimes i truly contradict myself. i still know myself that i'm not like that. it's been tough. life.

lately it has been rather draining emotionally. going through this really rough period in my life right now. i mean, to those close frens i have, it's been quite some time since it has happened. taking its toll is an understatement. its so demanding to know you can't change anything. it's not about nobility and changin the world shit, but there's a part of my life i would like to fill. for these few years, i've hidden within an unyielding shell. i've never had a chance to fully express, to fully comprehend, to truly feel and to truly let go...

as ppl who have met me describe me as vivacious, bubbly, direct to the point of being unknowingly blunt. i've always been explicit and extremely forthright. expressed views straightforwardly without thinkin. i've always been quite a carefree person, showing no signs of worries and tendencies of being filled with perplexity. ppl who know me know that. know that's who i am. my face is always plastered with a smile, even though not all the time, but once ppl make me laugh, everything else just fades away. i am easily amused, but i can be as easily vexed.

i'm a gemini, which means i have 2 sides of myself. i understand when ppl interpret my actions as being fake, attracting attention and whatsoever. i don't give a hoot about that. i am darn serious. i have been plagued by nasty rumous since god-knows-when. it gets on my nerves every damn time.
in my case, i've always had 2 sides. only a few ppl get to see both. and a rare few actually understand. i thank God for those people, i'll not be better off without them. i've never wanted people to sympathise, to pity or to even comfort me. i've just wanted someone to listen, to understand.

when i was younger, things that happened around here, i never did quite understand. i never had a chance to comprehend rows ppl had, why tempers arose, and why did they let it get the better of them. opinions never mattered, so i grew up as one with no presumably valuable views. naturally, i didnt understand then, but now i do. i grew up to be this opinionated bitch, so obviously i couldn't tolerate it when my views still didn't matter. i detested that particular feeling. even more than loneliness. but when opinions didn't matter, it led to insecurity, then resentment, then ultimately hurt and abandonment..

i saw the closest people around me break apart subsequently, i disguised my poignant sorrow for as long as i could remember. it had always hurt, sometimes too much to bear, but sometimes it seemed like it didn't matter. it went on and on.. it never disheartened me entirely cos i always held a beacon of hope in my heart. jus hoping that none of it was actually happenin, none of it would actually happen.

i vividly remember the heated arguments, the accusatory tones, and the spiteful and malicious words. it isn't too hard to forget cos it's clearly etched into my memory.i jus listened.and was blamed for crimes i didn't commit. but as i saw the cartons gradually stackin up, it hit me hard.long and hard. i can't live without her. i jus can't. i can't vision myself not waking up to having her comfort and everlasting presence.i know things cant change, but i cant help wishing it could.

but i know that despite all that, they're the people closest to me, i will always care..and will always love them. even if i don't explicitly express care and concern everyday, i jus sincerely hope they will know.

and now as i watch the situation i have always been dreading cruelly unfold right before me, i stop and ponder helplessly.will she like me? will she treat me as her own daughter? and most importantly, will i treat her with utmost respect? i cant deny that i do not like her nor do i like her, i guess it jus lies within.
in 2 weeks, she would be moving here permanently, and in 3 they would be registering at rom. but by then, will my feelings finally matter? i guess not.i'm not saying that i do not deny him the happiness he so wholly wants,but i just wish he could make me feel that my opinions matter.that i matter.

i may be the same in school and everywhere else, but i feel different deep down,and only i will know and realize it. my mind's a blank, and my heart has this frequent terrible sinking feeling.i don't feel the need to express myself anymore, to let anything go. when i tell my closest buds about this, some remarked that i don't seem heavy-hearted about it all.it was then that i realized what i was portrayed as in their eyes. i am always determined to make it all seem casual,that i'm fine. but i never want to be regarded as insensitive,or even worse,resentful. maybe that's jus the way it works.

as i type out this entry, my voice is continuously caught in my throat, and i know it isn't because it's sore. its distinctly the feeling i always had.but i know i cant cry here.not now.so i jus continue choking back my tears.
to the ppl who think i'm jus doing this for sympathy, you can go to hell.right.now.

i'm gonna be fine,but one day,jus one day..if i need someone. i hope someone,jus anyone, will be there.